D is for Divorce

Divorce for me (definitely not for everyone) is the equivalent of being Hester Prine in “The Scarlet Letter.” It feels as if I have a big “D” on my shoulder for everyone to see. It means that I failed. It means that I didn’t have enough faith to persevere through the difficult times. It means that I wasn’t good enough, pretty enough, thin enough…you get the picture. And y’all, I do plenty wrong but I have always tried hard to do the right thing no matter what. And this was a BIG failure…although I now know that it was not my failure.

All of that combines together to create a whole lot of insecurity in the identity I had created for myself. Much to my dismay, I realized that my identity wasn’t some wonderful life filled with God; my identity was something that I had made up. I thought that I was an unwavering Believer who loved God with everything I had…but when coming face to face with the truth, I realized that wasn’t my truth.

Although my self-made identity was off a bit, I definitely do have a close walk with God. There is no way possible that I could be functioning at this point if I didn’t have that walk. Maybe one day I’ll blog about all of the “coincidences” that have occurred time and time again since February 4th of 2018.

The yucky part of coming face to face with reality is that I now recognize that I have hidden places of my heart where I have held people and ideas higher than God’s word. That doesn’t mean that I didn’t believe in God or trust Him; it means that my view was sometimes blocked by whatever was in my brain at the time.

Some of the questions that I am beginning to process are:

1 – Does being divorced have to define me?

2 – What am I going to do about these hidden pieces of my heart?

3 – Do I want to hold onto the horrifying past or do I want to use it as a springboard for the future?

4 – What do I want my story to be? **Funny Fact: My very first thought/prayer after finding out and confronting Code Red about his secret life was, “PLEASE GOD, don’t let this be my story. And even if it does end up being my story, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE don’t ask me to use it.”

**I call him Code Red so that I remember to never, ever let my guard down around him. He cannot be trusted.

I could give you a reasonable answer to all of these questions…however, to truly examine my heart and move forward, I have to ponder and wrestle with each one. (FYI-the next few posts may be a bit heavy  as I lay the foundation for my movement forward.)

The truths that I cling to are: God is good. God is faithful. God is present. God cares.

8 thoughts on “D is for Divorce

  1. I am deeply touched of your transparency and boldness. This could also help and encourage other women who have gone through divorce.

    You are God’s Masterpiece! God has in stored great future for you and your children. HIS PROMISE ARE YES AND AMEN!Be encouraged!❤️🙏

    GOD WILL RESTORE AND REDEEM YOU.

    But the Lord will redeem those who serve Him. No one who takes refuge in Him will be condemned. – Psalm 34:22

    I will restore to you the years that the swarming locust has eaten, the hopper, the destroyer, and the cutter, my great army, which I sent among you. – Joel 2:25

    So be truly glad. There is wonderful joy ahead, even though you must endure many trials for a little while. These trials will show that your faith is genuine. It is being tested as fire tests and purifies gold—though your faith is far more precious than mere gold. So when your faith remains strong through many trials, it will bring you much praise and glory and honor on the day when Jesus Christ is revealed to the whole world. – 1 Peter 1:6-7

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Thank you so much for your transparency. ❤️God is using you in a BIG way already. Im a 45 year old mom who’s husband left on New Year’s eve. We had been married almost 19 years and together 24 years. I have a daughter who is 12 and a son who is seven. God immediately revealed to me that I had lost my identity in Him and gave it to my husband and my children. I’m thankful for that revelation, and everything you said here is as if you reached into my heart and head and pulled it out. That is the part I wrestle with now. Why was’t my faith strong enough to get us through. And of course God shows up this morning through your blog reminding me that He is bigger than all of this. I also know that my relationship with the Lord was not nearly what it could be now that I have experienced this trauma. He has been so faithful by giving me the right words at the right time from people like you. Having friends call when the need is there. Playing that song just when I need to hear it. Having my kids hug me as if they would squeeze the life out of me. For me, I don’t know that I would feel these things in the same way without this experience. Sad, but true. This has been a really hard weekend as my kids are with their father. My grief has been very heavy. So even as I write this, i’m having to reach down deep to find that comfort God so wants me to experience. The peace, joy, grace and mercy. But I did in your writing, so for that I’m grateful!!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Kristen, thank you for sharing with me. Your words caught me off guard (in a good way)…I honestly never thought that someone I didn’t know would be reading this blog. I have no idea what I am doing, but I know that writing this blog is part of my healing. I pray that your heart continues to heal as you walk out the trauma of your life’s situation.

      Like

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