Deepest Fears

I’m a bit melancholy today…I’ve had a couple of setbacks and I’m struggling a bit. Here’s a rogue post that’s bouncing around in my brain.

Failure. The state or condition of not meeting a desirable or intended objective, and may be viewed as the opposite of success.

Humiliation. The abasement of pride, which creates mortification or leads to a state of being humbled or reduced to lowliness or submission. It is an emotion felt by a person whose social status, either by force or willingly, has just decreased.

I’ve mentioned both of these words in previous posts…it appears that these 2 words remain magnified in my brain at all times. As I spend time pondering them, I realize that I don’t ever remember a period of time when I didn’t feel as if I was failing something or feeling as if living in a constant state of humiliation.

My insecurities run deep so developing a sense of self at age 46 is pretty difficult.

From my earliest memories, I have always done just what I was told. No variation. I have never been a rule-breaker or boundary pusher, although internally I have always, always thought outside of the box. And that was fine until I prepared to go to college and my mind began to explore options that were not the norm for someone in my position.

Some of the words I heard were, “If you choose to do that, you will give up your opportunities for being a good mother.” Or “You can’t do that. It is just too much work for a newlywed who is already working and a student. You need to be caring for your home.” Or “Amy, you have common sense but you’re not really ‘smart’.”

There are days, even at my age, when those words run around and around in my mind. I’m pretty sure that the people who said them have no idea how they have affected me throughout the years. Who knew that those very words would paralyze me time and time again?

Even in my marriage, I was told, “I just don’t think you’re very good at _____.” Or “I really don’t think that you can _____.” Or simply, “You are a lazy, _______.”

On the cusp of adulthood and later, with the addition of the words from my marriage, the beliefs I have about myself are incredibly poor. Unfortunately, I do believe that I will fail everything I try. And I do believe that I will forever be humiliated because I will never be good enough to follow through and succeed at anything.

So these words, failure and humiliation, run deep in my soul. They have formed the core beliefs that I feel about myself.

I think that breaking free from those beliefs will be revolutionary for me. But I don’t think that it will be easy.

I don’t know what it will look like, but I am certainly going to try.

D is for Divorce

Divorce for me (definitely not for everyone) is the equivalent of being Hester Prine in “The Scarlet Letter.” It feels as if I have a big “D” on my shoulder for everyone to see. It means that I failed. It means that I didn’t have enough faith to persevere through the difficult times. It means that I wasn’t good enough, pretty enough, thin enough…you get the picture. And y’all, I do plenty wrong but I have always tried hard to do the right thing no matter what. And this was a BIG failure…although I now know that it was not my failure.

All of that combines together to create a whole lot of insecurity in the identity I had created for myself. Much to my dismay, I realized that my identity wasn’t some wonderful life filled with God; my identity was something that I had made up. I thought that I was an unwavering Believer who loved God with everything I had…but when coming face to face with the truth, I realized that wasn’t my truth.

Although my self-made identity was off a bit, I definitely do have a close walk with God. There is no way possible that I could be functioning at this point if I didn’t have that walk. Maybe one day I’ll blog about all of the “coincidences” that have occurred time and time again since February 4th of 2018.

The yucky part of coming face to face with reality is that I now recognize that I have hidden places of my heart where I have held people and ideas higher than God’s word. That doesn’t mean that I didn’t believe in God or trust Him; it means that my view was sometimes blocked by whatever was in my brain at the time.

Some of the questions that I am beginning to process are:

1 – Does being divorced have to define me?

2 – What am I going to do about these hidden pieces of my heart?

3 – Do I want to hold onto the horrifying past or do I want to use it as a springboard for the future?

4 – What do I want my story to be? **Funny Fact: My very first thought/prayer after finding out and confronting Code Red about his secret life was, “PLEASE GOD, don’t let this be my story. And even if it does end up being my story, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE don’t ask me to use it.”

**I call him Code Red so that I remember to never, ever let my guard down around him. He cannot be trusted.

I could give you a reasonable answer to all of these questions…however, to truly examine my heart and move forward, I have to ponder and wrestle with each one. (FYI-the next few posts may be a bit heavy  as I lay the foundation for my movement forward.)

The truths that I cling to are: God is good. God is faithful. God is present. God cares.