**Edit – this post is sharing the magnitude of my situation. I want you all to know that this grief is NOT where I am hanging out and growing stagnant.
The waves of sadness intermingle with the painfulness of heartache. The soul longs for relief, finding it only after the waves have rescinded and the heart beats a smooth rhythm once again.
I wrote this before I filed for divorce while watching the Galveston waves from my condo balcony. I was there to sort my thoughts and hopefully gain some respite from an emotionally grueling spring. Unfortunately, the night before, I received one of the most threatening, panicky phone calls of my life. I was so concerned that I called my son at home, told him to lock all of the doors, including the slide locks on the garage, and to be prepared to protect himself.
This divorce has come at a high cost. Although I have received an enormous amount of support, the amount of loss has been overwhelming.
In the beginning, I honestly feared that I was exaggerating my situation. But when I walked into my first (group) therapy session and shared my story, I was met with stunned looks of horror. It was at that moment, in a room of women who had all been betrayed, that I fully realized that what I was dealing with was something so terrible that every person in the room seemed to try and withhold a gasp. I remember one of my therapists later saying, “Even Hollywood couldn’t have made this up.”
To give you a partial picture of the amount of loss, I lost my marriage. I lost my church. I lost my home. I lost financial security. I lost my identity. I lost dear friends.
I have been humiliated. I have watched my children learn horrific truths. I have had to rely on the protection of law enforcement. I have had to request financial assistance. I have had to move in with friends. I have had to speak to school officials and tell them the appalling details of our lives. I have had to meet with the school police. I have had to see my children suffer the significant loss of their father as a person that they can respect and trust.
I now know that a person has to walk directly into the pain in order to process it fully. It is something that is so, so difficult to do. I continue to try but I would much prefer to push it aside and pretend that it isn’t there. Unfortunately, one thing that I have learned is that when you walk through it, it begins to lose its power over you. If you push it aside, it comes back and threatens to consume you.
At any given moment, I can type about the beauty I see all around me; however, I believe that sometimes we need to see, hear, and feel the truth and pain of others. Perhaps it will touch someone in a manner that we don’t expect? Perhaps a woman or man will read it and take the courageous step and realize that they too can walk away from the cycle of abuse.
My prayer is that my words are not wasted. I don’t really think that they are…they are allowing me to face my truth and to STOP LIVING IN FEAR.