Although I am 1-1/2 years post divorce and 2-1/2 years past the discovery, life continues to be hard.
It’s November, the month of my anniversary, my favorite month of each and every year.
I find that I am weary these days. This moving forward is difficult, and I am relatively annoyed at myself for continuing to have big feelings. They aren’t as cutting as they used to be, and I can tell that in time they will continue to be less and less.
But right now, those feelings hurt. My heart aches. My nose sniffles. My eyes tear.
I question, “How could this be my life?”
Do the emotions come because of the memories? or do they come because they were triggered?
Last month, my son ran away. Not for long but long enough to worry me. I desperately wanted someone physical to turn to. I wanted someone to hold me, allow me to cry, and to be weak…for just a little while. I am so very tired of being “strong.”
But I did not have that. In fact, when I reached out to my son’s father, somehow the messages got mixed up and ended with him angry and calling me names. It left me depleted and although it’s been a few weeks, I continue to feel the knife edge of his words.
When I began this blog, I did it as a way to move forward and chronicle what that process looks like for someone who had so much…a big house, a big wallet, a lot of stuff…but chose to leave it all to become free. I was filled with hope, in spite of the grief.
As I have moved forward, I have been hesitant to post when I have another emotional hiccup. I haven’t wanted to seem weak.
But there is enough room for the hopeful, the sad, and all of the feelings in-between. Our emotions are real, and it is okay for us to feel them and process them. There is enough room in this world for all of them.
The trick is to remember that the people who cannot help hold my emotions are simply not my people to share the emotions with. Those people need to sit on the sidelines of my life so that they do not interfere with my healing.
I am not weak. And I am not strong. I am just enough.
**When my child ran away, I did have my parents whose presence did help me get through the weekend but that isn’t what I am talking about here.**