Sometimes when I sit down to write my mind struggles as it keeps reaching for the exact words to describe whatever it is that is filling my thoughts. This past week has been that way.
This entire week my mind has had a multitude of screenshots flashing quickly through it. Nothing new has happened so there doesn’t seem to be a reason for this. My brain simply seems to be grasping for something but not quite getting it.
The only consistency that I can find is that each picture has to do with Code Red. They all seem to be photos of what I thought were good times but in the backgrounds are the bad things that were simultaneously going on. Things like family time on the boat…he was texting and sending water selfies to potential partners. Things like me preparing dinner for the family and him getting home an hour late because he stopped to meet up with someone on the way home. Things like him demanding a kiss when he walked through the door and yet his mouth had just kissed someone else. Things like his request that I purchase items for him that I learned later were for other people. All of these actions occurring while pretending to be a somewhat happy family…
I no longer feel distressed by these thoughts; however, the ability to speak to anyone and fully trust their words is incredibly difficult. I find that when all is quiet, I consistently wonder what my friends and family are hiding and if they speak the truth while talking to me…it’s very odd to be so skeptical. Why would they lie? I find the whole thing to be outside of my ability to comprehend.
So what do I do with this? How do I learn to trust others again? How do I learn to determine who is trustworthy and who isn’t?
These are just my ponderings. I don’t feel overwhelmed or anxious about any of this…this is simply where my thoughts are this week.