Tag: friendship

Just Thinking…

Now that my summer break is here, I find myself thinking about some of the strange things that were a part of my divorce process.

The 1st thing was the result of pulling back, WAY BACK, in order to survive. I knew that people were concerned for me and wanted to care for me, but I was so overwhelmed. There was no possible way I could communicate with that many people during that season. As I’m coming into my new life, I realize by withdrawing, many of those people have moved on. Not because of anger or disagreement…it was simply the result of no communication. Some of them continue to be there on the sidelines and I know without a doubt that a phone call would immediately restore the distance between us. Some of them have disappeared from my life altogether. Although that hurts a bit, without a doubt I know that I could not have given more of myself to maintain those friendships (I was barely capable of caring for myself and my own children). I have to give myself grace about that season.

The 2nd thing that occurred was the decision to leave my church. This was extremely difficult to walk out. To give a bit of back story, 3 years ago, Code Red decided that he no longer wanted to attend our church. After listening to his frustrations with our church for years, I finally cut the tension and stopped going on Sunday mornings. However, I did remain involved in Bible studies and extra activities that kept me in contact with my friends and other believers…I just didn’t go on Sundays anymore. Months later, after finding out about Code Red’s behaviors, my desire to go back to church was deep, but it was going to take a lot of courage. Code Red’s actions would make running into certain people seriously awkward. But just as I was about to take the step and go, (before I say this, I want you to know that I TOTALLY understand this) the church leadership asked that my kids and I minimize our story so that it would not cause issues with others in the church. And while I understood/understand their request, I determined that under no circumstance would I ask my children to do that. Me, yes. My children, no. It felt as if they were asking us to carry guilt and shame for what Code Red did. And there is not one person in this family that is responsible for his actions. Period.

The 3rd thing on my mind today is the loneliness that goes along with divorce. For 26 years, I had a “person.” Even if I didn’t like him and he made me feel bad about myself, I still had someone. I knew that even though he would make me feel as if I was the most demanding person on earth, I could call him. Side Note: it’s strange to think that back then I thought it was better to have someone that wasn’t supportive than to be alone, right? How messed up is that? At this point, I am working on becoming at ease with myself. I figure that if I am healthy and happy, then I don’t need anyone to be my “person;” I can simply enjoy the people that are in my life for this moment. I don’t want to make the mistake of compromising myself to prevent being alone.

The 4th thing is the sense of freedom that I now feel. It feels like a contradiction to miss having a person and to also feel free. Now that Code Red has moved away, each week, maybe even each day, I feel a little bit more of “me” come back alive. I am embarking on an entirely new path that is completely and totally me…it has nothing to do with what someone else wants me to be or what is “best” for my family…it is strictly me following my instincts and natural abilities. Not being concerned about someone else’s approval is an amazing feeling. For the first time in my life (literally the first time), I am looking forward instead of to everyone else. I am not worried if everyone else is happy with my decisions. I.Am.Free. to decide what I want to do for the next 25 years of my life. I am happy about my decisions and I am proud that I am stepping out in faith and taking a chance for something new in my life. I am praying that my children see me step out of the shadows and into the light of what I have been designed for. I pray that I am modeling for them what it is like to walk away from something horrible and toward something wonderful. I pray they see that they, too, can do what they desire without the worry of disapproval.

Quite honestly, being divorced is the absolute best thing that I have experienced…with the exception of the births of my children. In the beginning, I was ashamed of being divorced; however, I now feel grateful for the second chance of life that I am getting. I still have a long way to go but I am steadily moving forward!

Forward Living is ultimately my goal.

The past is part of me, but I no longer live there. Why would I trap myself and stop learning and growing?

The Gift of Friendship

A few weeks ago, I invited 3 couples over for dinner…these 6 people carried me through this past year. They are the people who went above and beyond to accept me exactly where I was, giving me the space I needed to process and walk all of this mess out. There aren’t enough words in the world for me to be able to accurately express how much these people mean to me.

One couple helped me pack up, store my stuff, and then, provided my son, my dogs, my cat, my fish, and me with a loving home for 5 weeks. After moving into my new home, I realized that I had needed that restful, supportive transitional time. It provided me with a time of respite after the exhausting season of selling the house, beginning a new job, and going to court. Their acceptance, kindness, and love will forever be a part of me.

Another couple stood firmly beside me from the day after I found out the horrible hidden truths behind my marriage until this very moment. At the time all of this began, she was going through cancer treatments and she was STILL able to love and support me. Although our situations were world’s apart, I felt that with both of us going through terrible things, we were able to get away from our own situations for short periods of time while being present for each other. Standing by her side gave me a sense of reality that helped to keep me grounded. The steadiness that she and her husband modeled provided me with security during a time when I sometimes couldn’t figure out how to even get through a day.

And the last precious couple covered me in prayer, continuously filled me with love, and made certain that my soul was cared for. I received a phone call or message every single day. The 2 of them reached out to me time and time again, genuinely caring for my kids and me. She literally climbed into bed with me when, as my knowledge grew, I didn’t think that I could survive another day. She is the one that when I was lying on the floor saying I couldn’t take anymore, who told me step by step what to do in order to pull myself up. Their loving support carried me through my darkest hours.

Thank you is not enough for these couples.

My recommendation to everyone out there is that you find your people. Locate your group and build those relationships so that if you have things go awry in your life, you have the support you need to help carry you through. Don’t try to go it alone!

“If ever there is tomorrow when we’re not together… there is something you must always remember. You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. But the most important thing is, even if we’re apart… I’ll always be with you.”
– Winnie the Pooh