How I Process My Emotions

Lately, I have experienced quite a bit of anxiety. For days now, I have attempted to figure out what the root of it could be, but I haven’t been able to grasp it. I simply know that it is making me irritable, and because I do not want to be unkind to those around me, I have wrestled to keep the low-lying rage low…really low.

This morning, I have been gifted with a few hours of uninterrupted quiet. My immediate thought was to go and try to get ahead with my homework. Nonetheless, I realized that I needed to stop and spend some time in the quiet. My soul is ill at ease and I simply need to rest in God’s presence.

Some of you may not understand what I mean by that. Let me explain. When I take my Bible and my journal to read and reflect, it is as if God joins me in my time. Some people do not believe that is possible. I do, and it brings me great comfort. In fact, it is something that I believe to the depths of my soul. He is always present; sometimes, I simply do not take the time to notice.

During this time today, I decided to take a walk through my anxiety. If I am truthful, I don’t like to do this. I find it time consuming and annoying. However, it almost always brings clarity to whatever it is that may be bothering me. Here is what my journal entry looks like:

“The presence of anxiety is nothing new; however, it hasn’t been my companion for many months now. It’s presence the past few days is hurting my heart and causing me to reflect on myself today.

  1. I’m anxious because of money…I didn’t expect to have 3 children living at home with me right now.
  2. I’m angry because of my situation.
  3. I’m conflicted because I’m also super-excited for incredible opportunities.
  4. I’m sad because I want to be married.
  5. I’m appalled that ‘way back when,’ I had a hesitation to marry Code Red, but I married him anyway. (First time that I’m admitting that…it’s a bit embarrassing to me.)

So where does that leave me right at this moment? It leaves me with the reality that I can do this. I can do hard things. (maybe that should become my go-to phrase?) I can accept the changes that need to be made and make them without issue. Does it change my situation? No, but it does give me perspective.”

I share all of that to show you all what it looks like to thoroughly process your emotions. If you’re anything like me, I feel impatient taking the time to do things like this…I would much prefer to keep pretending my emotions don’t exist.

But when I do remember to take the time for this, I realize what it means to be emotionally healthy. It means that I feel the sensations running through my body, I acknowledge them, and then I detail exactly what they are. Once I can visibly see what is causing the disruption in my soul, it becomes possible for me to release the anxiety and move forward.

Maybe this can help some of you recognize what you’ve been feeling?

I am not brave or strong…

I am not brave or strong…I have simply chosen to trust that God has put people in place who can help lead me through the crazy. This is my season of transition and I have needed a lot of help.

The reaction to this blog has left me reeling with a lot of thoughts. I honestly did not believe that anyone except my closest friends would read it; the private emails and messages have been a shock. In the beginning, I had no idea what I would even say on here, let alone know that people would be reaching out and sharing their stories with me!

The reality in my life at this moment is that I continue to struggle to reconcile all of this mayhem. In fact, when I finalized my post about the emotional abuse, my mind got stuck (like a broken record) on something Code Red had done. I absolutely couldn’t figure out how to get it out of my brain. It seemed that each time it made another round, my panic grew. I could not get away from it and it took me right into a panicky “I am not in control” feeling.

Thankfully, I have a wonderful therapist who knows quite a bit about trauma therapy (by the way, I thought trauma therapy was only for people who had experienced something really, really, really badwho knew?!). After 1 session with her, the thought was still in my head but not quite as overpowering. After a 2nd session, it was completely gone.

(You guys, therapy works. Do not underestimate it!! Just do your best to be open and willing to change your way of thinking…sometimes, the way we think about things is wrong. And that is OK. It really isn’t as painful as you might think to learn that you were wrong.)

Although it is hard sometimes, day after day, I keep reminding myself that God is my comforter…I know that He is. I know that. He totally is.

Sometimes, usually around 9:30 at night, when things are relatively quiet, I just want someone to sit with me. Emotions can be so frustrating.

And you know, the whole God is my comforter knowledge doesn’t really connect with my heart’s desire. But that’s OK. I know Truth and I really do know, deep in my inner being, that God is my comforter, even when I feel lonely.

Eventually, the past 26 years will simply be a story in my past. But for now, I am still just walking forward.

Told y’all I wasn’t brave or strong…I’m just woman heading toward something new!