How do I know who to trust?

Sometimes when I sit down to write my mind struggles as it keeps reaching for the exact words to describe whatever it is that is filling my thoughts. This past week has been that way.

This entire week my mind has had a multitude of screenshots flashing quickly through it. Nothing new has happened so there doesn’t seem to be a reason for this. My brain simply seems to be grasping for something but not quite getting it.

The only consistency that I can find is that each picture has to do with Code Red. They all seem to be photos of what I thought were good times but in the backgrounds are the bad things that were simultaneously going on. Things like family time on the boat…he was texting and sending water selfies to potential partners. Things like me preparing dinner for the family and him getting home an hour late because he stopped to meet up with someone on the way home. Things like him demanding a kiss when he walked through the door and yet his mouth had just kissed someone else. Things like his request that I purchase items for him that I learned later were for other people.  All of these actions occurring while pretending to be a somewhat happy family…

I no longer feel distressed by these thoughts; however, the ability to speak to anyone and fully trust their words is incredibly difficult. I find that when all is quiet, I consistently wonder what my friends and family are hiding and if they speak the truth while talking to me…it’s very odd to be so skeptical. Why would they lie? I find the whole thing to be outside of my ability to comprehend.

So what do I do with this? How do I learn to trust others again? How do I learn to determine who is trustworthy and who isn’t?

These are just my ponderings. I don’t feel overwhelmed or anxious about any of this…this is simply where my thoughts are this week.

Do I Dare to Hope?

Finally. I can speak freely. The legal action is settled.

I am weary from the emotional turmoil. I am not someone who feels fear very often but this time, I was afraid. Really afraid.

It was one year ago this past week when I began to realize that if I wanted to become healthy emotionally, I had to make a stand. And since making that stand, life has felt as if it has been ripping me apart.

I guess that is what divorce is. The ripping apart of a bond that was designed to last for life. I don’t recommend it except for in extreme cases…it is terrible.

As another hurdle has been overcome, do I dare to hope that it is the last one? Sometimes I think that I am the “eternal optimist,” the unrealistic person who always believes that deep down people are good and will do the right thing…and even though I’ve learned that isn’t always true, I continue to look for the good.

What is wrong with me?! Lol

Seriously though, I know that we are all born with a tendency to sin, but I also think that we all have to have something good in us! I don’t believe that God created us to be bad…He created us to commune with Him.

So I am going to continue to hope and look for the good. I know that I have to be realistic, but I really don’t want to dwell on the ugliness that hovers around life.

I want to live a life that holds fast to goodness, hope, and love.

How do you picture God?

“Aunt ***, when you close your eyes, what does God look like? Let me tell you what I think…I think He looks like a bright shining light.”

As I was drifting to sleep, those words remained floating through my mind. I combined his picture with my mine and I began to wonder how others would answer it. What would God look like if all of the pictures came together?

Would it be comforting or would it be frightening?

With all of our unique perspectives and life experiences, I have no idea what kind of image it would be.

For me, God represents strength, comfort, and solace…arms ready to embrace. For others, he may represent anger and judgement…sword in hand, ready to strike.

As I welcome Easter this morning, and ponder the mystical parts of the story, I remember Friday and God’s enormous grief when the earth shook and went dark. And then on Sunday morning, there is Jesus as he began to walk the earth again.

There are many opinions about God but the way I see it is that he will always, always represent hope and love. It’s people who mess up his image, not what Scripture tells us about him.

So when you close your eyes, what does God look like to you?

Church

I haven’t been to church in almost a year…in fact, I think that I have only been twice since Easter last year.

I miss it. I miss worship. I miss learning. I miss being a part of a community of believers.

But I didn’t miss it for most of the year. That’s a bit odd for someone like me. The Church has been my lifeline for as long as I can remember…in all of the 6 states we’ve lived in and with each and every baby. Throughout the years, The Church has taken care of me time and time again. It makes me sad that the thought of going sends what feels like spears into my heart.

You see, the man that I was married to proposed to me at our church way back when. And then, well. We simply won’t go there. Anyway, church is a painful place for me. It represents both the beginning and the end of my marriage.

The thought of walking through those doors continues to bring me pain. But as with everything else, I am learning how to ease back into life, I am able to face the places that I once treasured. And I believe I will treasure them once again.

But the way, I’m still feeling free…just processing all of the things that seem to give me pause.😊

Deepest Fears

I’m a bit melancholy today…I’ve had a couple of setbacks and I’m struggling a bit. Here’s a rogue post that’s bouncing around in my brain.

Failure. The state or condition of not meeting a desirable or intended objective, and may be viewed as the opposite of success.

Humiliation. The abasement of pride, which creates mortification or leads to a state of being humbled or reduced to lowliness or submission. It is an emotion felt by a person whose social status, either by force or willingly, has just decreased.

I’ve mentioned both of these words in previous posts…it appears that these 2 words remain magnified in my brain at all times. As I spend time pondering them, I realize that I don’t ever remember a period of time when I didn’t feel as if I was failing something or feeling as if living in a constant state of humiliation.

My insecurities run deep so developing a sense of self at age 46 is pretty difficult.

From my earliest memories, I have always done just what I was told. No variation. I have never been a rule-breaker or boundary pusher, although internally I have always, always thought outside of the box. And that was fine until I prepared to go to college and my mind began to explore options that were not the norm for someone in my position.

Some of the words I heard were, “If you choose to do that, you will give up your opportunities for being a good mother.” Or “You can’t do that. It is just too much work for a newlywed who is already working and a student. You need to be caring for your home.” Or “Amy, you have common sense but you’re not really ‘smart’.”

There are days, even at my age, when those words run around and around in my mind. I’m pretty sure that the people who said them have no idea how they have affected me throughout the years. Who knew that those very words would paralyze me time and time again?

Even in my marriage, I was told, “I just don’t think you’re very good at _____.” Or “I really don’t think that you can _____.” Or simply, “You are a lazy, _______.”

On the cusp of adulthood and later, with the addition of the words from my marriage, the beliefs I have about myself are incredibly poor. Unfortunately, I do believe that I will fail everything I try. And I do believe that I will forever be humiliated because I will never be good enough to follow through and succeed at anything.

So these words, failure and humiliation, run deep in my soul. They have formed the core beliefs that I feel about myself.

I think that breaking free from those beliefs will be revolutionary for me. But I don’t think that it will be easy.

I don’t know what it will look like, but I am certainly going to try.