Lying Smile

I’m tired of being positive. The End.

I have SO.MANY.TOOLS to get me from emotionally struggling back to having a peaceful mind. And typically I use them to keep my emotions regulated. Today I don’t feel like it. I want to whine and complain and disappear into a book. I don’t want to clean the kitchen. I do not want to talk to my children. I do not want to think about what kind of food is in the pantry or the refrigerator. And I sure as hell do not want to think about what is for dinner.

I want to be alone…to cry and be angry and be resentful.

I am so, so tired. And angry. Really, really angry.

Many people tell me how brave and strong I am. And some days I am. But this is not one of those days.

I don’t want to be strong. I don’t want to hide behind the lying smile that I make sure reaches my eyes so people don’t see when I am feeling overwhelmed or sad. (I have literally practiced that smile a gazillion times. I know it works well…too well.)

I want someone to take some of the responsibility for just a little while. Someone to clean my house, make the food, navigate my youngest’s anxiety as he is doing his online schoolwork, repair all of the holes in the walls, parent and love on him, and care for the animals. Just for a little while…

Someone to simply reach out and notice that I am exhausted, physically and mentally.

**Don’t freak out on me about this post. I almost always try to put a spin of good on everything I say; I really do believe that if you look for the good, you can find it. I know the good is there, but today I don’t really care.