Happy Thanksgiving…or for me, my first Ex-Anniversary.
This is the first Thanksgiving in 27 years that I have not been married. On this date, 27 years ago, I married the man that I thought I would spend the rest of my life with. Today is both happy and sad. I’m not sure how to process it.
The tears feel right on the edge of falling. But they are tears of what I had hoped we, as a couple, would be, not what we actually were. Does that even make sense? I really wish that we had been able to be a better couple.
Although I cannot regret being married because I have 4 beautiful children, I do regret marrying someone who did not truly want to be married to me. Even though he married me to try and change himself, I hate that he lied to himself and in turn, married me with a false pretense.
It is so strange to know that someone still loves you even though they cannot love you the way a husband should love a wife. Honestly, it wrecks your thoughts. On one side, you feel sad and sorry for that person. On the other, you are appalled that they used you.
I think it is best to simply view the whole situation as a 26-year learning process to make me who I am supposed to be today. Looking at it any other way will cause me to be angry and bitter, and that is the last thing I want for myself.
Today, I give thanks. I give thanks for a terrible marriage that pushed me to grow. I give thanks for my 4 beautiful children who bring me so much joy. I give thanks for the opportunities before me. And I give thanks for all the joy that surrounds me.