Deepest Fears

I’m a bit melancholy today…I’ve had a couple of setbacks and I’m struggling a bit. Here’s a rogue post that’s bouncing around in my brain.

Failure. The state or condition of not meeting a desirable or intended objective, and may be viewed as the opposite of success.

Humiliation. The abasement of pride, which creates mortification or leads to a state of being humbled or reduced to lowliness or submission. It is an emotion felt by a person whose social status, either by force or willingly, has just decreased.

I’ve mentioned both of these words in previous posts…it appears that these 2 words remain magnified in my brain at all times. As I spend time pondering them, I realize that I don’t ever remember a period of time when I didn’t feel as if I was failing something or feeling as if living in a constant state of humiliation.

My insecurities run deep so developing a sense of self at age 46 is pretty difficult.

From my earliest memories, I have always done just what I was told. No variation. I have never been a rule-breaker or boundary pusher, although internally I have always, always thought outside of the box. And that was fine until I prepared to go to college and my mind began to explore options that were not the norm for someone in my position.

Some of the words I heard were, “If you choose to do that, you will give up your opportunities for being a good mother.” Or “You can’t do that. It is just too much work for a newlywed who is already working and a student. You need to be caring for your home.” Or “Amy, you have common sense but you’re not really ‘smart’.”

There are days, even at my age, when those words run around and around in my mind. I’m pretty sure that the people who said them have no idea how they have affected me throughout the years. Who knew that those very words would paralyze me time and time again?

Even in my marriage, I was told, “I just don’t think you’re very good at _____.” Or “I really don’t think that you can _____.” Or simply, “You are a lazy, _______.”

On the cusp of adulthood and later, with the addition of the words from my marriage, the beliefs I have about myself are incredibly poor. Unfortunately, I do believe that I will fail everything I try. And I do believe that I will forever be humiliated because I will never be good enough to follow through and succeed at anything.

So these words, failure and humiliation, run deep in my soul. They have formed the core beliefs that I feel about myself.

I think that breaking free from those beliefs will be revolutionary for me. But I don’t think that it will be easy.

I don’t know what it will look like, but I am certainly going to try.

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