I am not brave or strong…I have simply chosen to trust that God has put people in place who can help lead me through the crazy. This is my season of transition and I have needed a lot of help.
The reaction to this blog has left me reeling with a lot of thoughts. I honestly did not believe that anyone except my closest friends would read it; the private emails and messages have been a shock. In the beginning, I had no idea what I would even say on here, let alone know that people would be reaching out and sharing their stories with me!
The reality in my life at this moment is that I continue to struggle to reconcile all of this mayhem. In fact, when I finalized my post about the emotional abuse, my mind got stuck (like a broken record) on something Code Red had done. I absolutely couldn’t figure out how to get it out of my brain. It seemed that each time it made another round, my panic grew. I could not get away from it and it took me right into a panicky “I am not in control” feeling.
Thankfully, I have a wonderful therapist who knows quite a bit about trauma therapy (by the way, I thought trauma therapy was only for people who had experienced something really, really, really bad—who knew?!). After 1 session with her, the thought was still in my head but not quite as overpowering. After a 2nd session, it was completely gone.
(You guys, therapy works. Do not underestimate it!! Just do your best to be open and willing to change your way of thinking…sometimes, the way we think about things is wrong. And that is OK. It really isn’t as painful as you might think to learn that you were wrong.)
Although it is hard sometimes, day after day, I keep reminding myself that God is my comforter…I know that He is. I know that. He totally is.
Sometimes, usually around 9:30 at night, when things are relatively quiet, I just want someone to sit with me. Emotions can be so frustrating.
And you know, the whole God is my comforter knowledge doesn’t really connect with my heart’s desire. But that’s OK. I know Truth and I really do know, deep in my inner being, that God is my comforter, even when I feel lonely.
Eventually, the past 26 years will simply be a story in my past. But for now, I am still just walking forward.
Told y’all I wasn’t brave or strong…I’m just woman heading toward something new!